are you who you want to be?

3:15:00 PM

i am so sick
of feeling so sick
of everything

i am so sick
of feeling like i’m losing myself

i miss 
my soul being on fire

i am ragged 
and i know what i want
and i ask myself
why am i doing this
if i’m not chasing after what i want?

but at the end of the day
i am in pieces
with no piece big enough to pick up the rest
and dust off my dreams
and heal my heart
heal these bones that feel like lead

i have no answer for this
my hands are empty

only that —
what is it to gain the whole world but lose my soul?

what really matters?
the answer must be love
and surely not this
surely not the credits ranking up
the papers, the marks, the promise of…
success? stability? 
a “real” job? a “normal” job? 
a cage — perhaps my greatest fear
i was never anything but not normal

my dreams have never lined up with this
so what am i doing here?

gain the world… 

or chase after my dream, soul on fire, finding it and finding it again and again
and again
passionately smashing expectations at every turn
staying out of cages
and paving my own road 
creating, loving, struggling out of the murky soil 
like a plant reaching, desperate
for the sun

how can i do this if my mind has no space for any of it?
who says learning must take place within four walls?
i’m not saying i want it easy
i just need a different kind of hard

after all, i am my father’s daughter 

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  1. EVERY

    punched me in the heart so hARD